JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

Almost breathless with antic ipation, Bobby esc orts his date out the front

door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door

behind her, and screams at her father,

"Dammit daddy! The dance is called THE TWIST!!"

Oh! Don't you just love those "blonde" jokes?

The Genie

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

True Blonde

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Jigsaw Puzzle

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

Swimming Race

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, "I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but I say the other two used their arms."

20

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,

five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five

percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"

warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out

and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,

turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn

how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in

the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"OLD" is when.....

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"

and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator

shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker

opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long

as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead

of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take

any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the

parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies, politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. So, he asks Carrie's father to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to go.

19

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

W ell, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too

easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the

door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-

witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a

possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I

told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said,

"We need a new cuckoo clock."

W hen I asked him why, he said, "W ell, last night our clock

cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, sh*t," cuckooed 4 more

times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,

cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and f*rted.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Microsoft -v- General Motors:

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would c rash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

18

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

W here Do I Come From?

'Where did I come from, Mum?' asked a six year old.

Mum had been dreading the question but decided against

euphemism.

She gave the little boy a very frank, candid description beginning

with the sex act and concluding with the dramas of the delivery

room. She then awaited his reaction.

I just wondered,' said the child. 'The boy who sits in front of me

comes from New Zealand.'

Haikisoft

In Japan, it is said they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen: Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Website you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies So beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao-until You bring fresh toner. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. Ervin's saying (my hubby) Mac path, Windows path, All paths lead to nothing......

17

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

THE EMAIL "FORW ARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM œ

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email! 2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me. 4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people! 5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. 6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...NEVER- NEVER!! 7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! 8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS. 9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. 10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e- mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA! 11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations. 12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on! Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out! ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ "To become financially independent you must turn part of your income into capital; turn capital into enterprise; turn enterprise into profit; turn profit into investment; and turn investment into financial independence." -- Jim Rohn ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

16

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

He Said.. She Said...

He said... "Want a quickie?" She said..."As opposed to what?" He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." She said...."You wear briefs, don't you?" He said... "Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?" She said..."Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money." She said..."I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee-start packing!" He said... "That's great!!! What should I pack?" She said... "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there". He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" She said..."No problem, I'll get you something that is." She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" He said... "It's not my fault...I ran out of money." He said... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way." She said..."Well, you succeeded." He said... "If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well." She said..."Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we would do without the gardner too". Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband." She said..."Who's gonna look?" He said... "You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?" She said..."No, have you?" He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror." He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on." He said... "Shall we try changing positions tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass wind."

15

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,

known as squawks, submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded

by maintenance engineers.

By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal

accident.

P [in list below means] The problem logged by the pilot.

S [in list below means] The solution and action taken by the engineers

<> <> <> <> <> <> <>

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. (oops!)

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal

seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

S: Evidence removed. (great!)

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in "OFF" mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. (HA!)

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in coc kpit.

S: Cat

14

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

DIFFICULT W ORDS TO SAY W HEN YOU ARE DRUNK.

Specificity Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon British Constitution

IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY W HEN YOU ARE DRUNK

Thanks, but I don't want s-e-x. No, I don't want another drink. No kebab for me thank you. Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me. Good evening officer I'm not interested in fighting you. No one wants to hear me sing. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

LOVE.... If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ "How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." -- George Washington Carver ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

13

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

My colleague and I were making a sales call to a rural church.

At the end of our presentation to the church committee, the chairman

knelt before the alter.

After about a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a

solemn tone, "the Lord tells me we should wait a while on this purchase."

My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down.

Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and declared, "He

wants to talk with your again."

- Harold Lamb

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancée's mother is not only very attrac tive but really great and

understanding.

She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to

go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had

expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just

under a hundred...then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that

happened, she wanted to have s-e-x with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said

that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for a few moments, and finally decided that I knew exactly

how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door.

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a

good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he

congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought

their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the

reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Signed,

Perplexed

12

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

W hen his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed. "Her astrological sign is the one for EARTH and mine is the one for W ATER. Together we made MUD." -Lori Phillips

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ You can buy anything on eBay. I bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat - Buzz Nutley ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Pessimist: "My glass is half empty" Optimist: "My glass is half full" Corporate downsizing consultant: "Looks like we've got twice as much glass as we need here" - Janice Wilson

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now the Lord will give you MEAT. You will not eat it for JUST one day, or two days, or five, or ten or 20 days, but for a MONTH, until you LOATHE it." The woman paused and asked, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?" - Dave Martin ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

My Daughter told me she needed a calculator for her maths homework. I handed her one, then asked, "W hat would you do if you had no calculator and had to work it out in your head?" "That's cheating, Mummy," she said. "W e're not supposed to USE OUR HEADS." - Anne Walker

11