JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. W hen it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"ID Ten T" Error

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression ran over my face. "An ID Ten T Error, what's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No", I replied. "Write it down", he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." ID10T ...... say no more! ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

3. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight

lifter.

4. The lady to your right is a blonde, and is a professional wrestler and

5. I am a 6' blonde woman, 100kgs, with a PhD, a black belt in karate,

and a very bad attitude!

Now think seriously about it Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second or two, shakes his head and says,

"Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Real people, Real Events - just hope that your life never depends on the speedy and accurate thinking of any of these people...

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" Then another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the East (and has for some time). She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I used to work in tec hnical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific.." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular

envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:

GOD

c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady,

who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of

$100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.

Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from

her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young

lady opened it and it read

"Dear God, Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I

only received $90. It must have been those b******s at the Post Office."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

A blonde female Police Officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding. The blonde cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde driver asked, "W hat does a driver's license look like?" as she searched through her purse. The blonde cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it." The driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ A blind man enters an all woman bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.... 1. The bartender is a blonde woman 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney And says, "I hate to

ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are

divorcing... forty-five years of misery is enough."

Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sic k of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call

your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck

they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT

getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my

brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a

thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and then hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife... "Okay," he says,

"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job." The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. W e just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're kidding me!" The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

W hy W orry?

There are only two things in life to worry about: W hether you are well or whether you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: W hether you are going to get well or whether you are going to die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about: W hether you are going to go to heaven or whether you are going to go to hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, that you won't have time to worry! So, W hy Worry? Be Happy

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Do not cry if the Sun sets at the end of the day, because the tears will not let you enjoy the beauty of the Stars. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

MEN are like:

Men are like..... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

JUST ONE MORE, OKAY?

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from BrighamYoungUniversity, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Billy Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Tommy Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!", said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answers after each toss. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named —Rolex“ and one was named —Timex“. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

23

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

Painting

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She asks, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOSH, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER W ALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"

22

JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

First Class

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co- pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... ...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

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