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Friday, January 7, 2011
HOW TO TELL A JOKE:
HOW TO TELL A JOKE:
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Hopefully when you have rolled out the punch line of a joke, everyone will
be rolling on the floor or at least showing some appreciation.
Telling a joke is a combination of œ the material, the person you are telling
it to, the timing of the moment you tell the joke, and how well you present
the actual joke.
How do you know if the joke is any good? It will make you laugh. If it
doesn‘t make you laugh, forget it.
When you find some good jokes try them out on friends first, because they
will let you know if the joke is any good or not.
It‘s probably best timing to tell your joke when you are in general
conversation, with people you are comfortable with. A joke can brighten
up a dull conversation or awkward silence. Try to be sober at the time.
A key to telling a joke well is how you ”set the stage‘ for it. Don‘t build up
too much pressure or high expectation before hand, just launch right into
it —This Blonde was…..“ or make it sound like an event that actually
happened to you —I was talking to this woman the other day……..“
Speak with confidence, don‘t mumble or be embarrassed, take your time
and relish the punc h line.
So collect your jokes, practice them by yourself to get the story and timing
right, and then practice them on your friends. When you get good results
from the jokes you know you are ready to launch yourself on the rest of
the world, and weave the magic of humor into your conversation, for a
brighter more cheerful world.
JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
Diet Buddies
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together.
Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds
she had put on recently.
"Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting
buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and
get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great," Rosey replied. "I'll meet you at Burger King."
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| A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"Didn't you say he was 13?" |
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Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they c an get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
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| At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?" |
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| And more Jokes to come soon ...... If you hear a Joke you think should be in our next edition of this free jokes book, just send it to us: |
| http://www.personal-enterprise-self-help-resources.com |
| W hile you are visiting, subscribe to our monthly ezine, as that also has a good dose of humor each month, as well as personal development self help articles and tips. |
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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
"I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Right now, it's
everywhere I want to be." Scott Wood
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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while when the lass said, "A penny for ye thoughts Angus."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"
To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
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An angry wife screamed at her husband, "Before we married, I was going out with men much more intelligent than you!"
"I can believe that" he retorted. "Obviously they were too clever to make the mistake I did."
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| A very nervous patient came in for root-canal treatment. After being given his injections, the dentist left him alone for a few minutes.
W hen the dentist returned, he was surprised to see the patient standing next to the tray of dental equipment about to be used on him. "What are you doing?" the dentist asked.
Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the instruments I don't like."
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A helicopter with staff from an oil rig had problems and crashed (safely) into the local lake. Struggling to get out, one may tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "The helicopter is supposed to float!" As the man leapt into the lake, he yelled back, "Yes, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
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34
JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central
west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break
down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car
there in the parking lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring
at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach.
After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in
the water.
After a while the boy c ame up to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said,
"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."
The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they
are."
So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to
his mother and said,
"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the
more he talked, the dumber he got!"
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| "I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but I made my landlord mad as hell." - Garry Shandling |
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
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| How do you make God laugh....? Just tell her the plans you have made for your life. |
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A Grandmother was standing on a lovely beach with her baby grandson. Both were enjoying the seaside.
Suddenly a massive wave swept the little boy from her arms and carried him out to sea. Beside herself, the grandmother fell to her knees, beseeching God to save her beloved grandson and, if necessary to take her life instead.
In the middle of her desperate prayer, another wave crashed in, depositing the baby back in her arms, soaking wet, but otherwise unharmed.
She looked at her grandson, then back up to the heavens and said quietly, "He had a hat..."
***
A hiker lost his balance and fell over the edge of a steep and high cliff. At the last minute he saved himself by grabbing a small branch growing out of the sheer rock wall.
Dangling helplessly over a 2000foot ravine, he began yelling. "Help! Help! Is anyone up there?"
Suddenly he heard a booming voice. "I'll help you."
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"I'm God" answered the voice.
"Oh thank you, thank you" said the grateful man. "I knew my faith would someday be rewarded. What should I do?"
"Just let go and I'll catch you," instructed the voice.
"What?" exclaimed the man. "I said just let go and I'll catch you, " God repeated.
The man paused, then yelled, "Is there anyone else up there?"
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| In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR, or we would not
all still be here!
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| An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screw-ed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voic e boomed out, "No, you are not screw-ed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screw-ed."
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| A guy named Joe finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket." |
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Saturday, December 4, 2010
JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
| I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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| A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. W hen it came down, he swung again and missed.
"Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!" |
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| "ID Ten T" Error
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| I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression ran over my face. "An ID Ten T Error, what's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No", I replied.
"Write it down", he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
ID10T ...... say no more!
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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
3. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
4. The lady to your right is a blonde, and is a professional wrestler and
5. I am a 6' blonde woman, 100kgs, with a PhD, a black belt in karate,
and a very bad attitude!
Now think seriously about it Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second or two, shakes his head and says,
"Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
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| Real people, Real Events - just hope that your life never depends on the speedy and accurate thinking of any of these people...
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| While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" Then another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the East (and has for some time). She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
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I used to work in tec hnical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific.."
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So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
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I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" |
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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular
envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady,
who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of
$100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from
her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young
lady opened it and it read
"Dear God, Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I
only received $90. It must have been those b******s at the Post Office."
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| A blonde female Police Officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding. The blonde cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license.
The blonde driver asked, "W hat does a driver's license look like?" as she searched through her purse.
The blonde cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it." The driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this." |
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A blind man enters an all woman bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things....
1. The bartender is a blonde woman 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman |
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JOKES HAVE A LAUGH ON US!
An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney And says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing... forty-five years of misery is enough."
Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sic k of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and then hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife... "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
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| A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. W e just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're kidding me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
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